• Rebecca Lerner

how tf does she do it!!!! My hero

Usually, the sun wakes me. This morning the alarm was an ant crawling lightly on my arm. I crushed it between my fingers, eyes half shut, and thought about how we love nature but hate it as soon as it gets into bed with us. I rise and once again, begin to scrub my room with the tired confidence that makes me think I might one day have control over a space.

I'm pouring myself into this body so I can feel it all. The wind on my face, the green of the grass on my fingers, even the ants crawl on me while I sleep. I think I'm trying to make an ant infestation sound romantic, is this what people mean when they tell me to reframe?

I used to be so judgy about people's shitty apartments until I got my own shitty apartment, and now I get it. Taking the bits you like of the outside world and putting it on your walls — it takes time. Hours of choice and logistics. I'm not an ant but I think about them more than they think about themselves. I start like a little mini vacuum cleaner and am equally ineffective sometimes. You could scrub the floors all day and still have dirt on your feet when you get into bed.


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