Plz confirm you're alive

When I was starting to think I thought that I somehow caused everything that happened to me but now I know that sometimes things just happen because of power trips or unfortunate circumstances or the way a boy's cheekbones can look under a street light. It was winter but the kind of winter that is gray and foggy and endless, though it didn't feel far from the winters that were clear and sunny but bright in the cold. I found the colors in the gray and I couldn't take my eyes away from them, the blues and reds and pale, pale greens. Winter is a season of reckoning, the only one that will break you open and spill you out, like a spilled purse full of change and tampons and receipts and random embarrassing things. I would wake in the morning and listen to the girl on the other side of the wall from me cough and talk, but tell myself she couldn't hear me.